How did I get here?

This is hard. I feel alone and angry, frustrated, sad. My thoughts and feelings are all over the place so I am going to try to write them down for my benefit and for anyone else who needs to hear. Maybe you have experiences you can share too. My hope is that someone searching for commiseration can read my story and feel like they are not alone, not living in a sympatheticless world. (Pardon my propensity to make up words.)

I have encountered many loving and helpful parents of children with type-1 diabetes. Even a family who lost a son to the disease eager to bless another out of their loss. There are countless blogs, Podcasts, and Facebook groups for supporting families of children with diabetes. Perhaps slightly forgotten, or quiet. are those who are into their golden years having lived with type-1 diabetes. These resilient pioneers experienced the technological leaps and bounds from boiling giant syringes in the stove and injecting pig insulin to today's near-close looped pump systems. What I don't see much of is adults sharing how they are dealing with a new diagnosis. We are used to one way of life. We didn't grow up with our family managing what we eat, when we eat, to shoot or not to shoot, our doctor's appointments, etc. We are the responsible ones. We have jobs, families, roles in the community, and a way of life that is just beginning to fall into a rhythm as our children become more independent. 

Our lives are thrown into turmoil at just the point where it should become comfortably familiar. We must grieve the loss of the life we knew and put aside our plans for the future while finding a new formula for getting through each day. 

My life the last few years is maybe not normal but what is "normal" anyway? When I was pregnant with our second child we moved back to our hometown to be closer to our parents. Shortly after our baby girl's first birthday, my father unexpectedly and suddenly passed away. We sold our home and moved into my mom's house so that she could stay there until she was emotional ready to leave it. Then cancer struck and we stayed on so we could care for her. Years later we are still with my mother for several reasons and it continues to be a blessing to all parties (although not always easy for anyone). 

Our children have grown and are now in 8th and 5th grade. I returned to work, trying many options before deciding on obtaining my teaching certificate. My new "career" was beginning just as Covid struck. Since schools closed just when I needed student teaching experience to complete my requirements, I took a job as the secondary life science teacher at the local Christian school. My children transferred from the at-home-public non-school to the private school along with me. That was a year stressful beyond measure, but the Lord put us there so He gave me what I needed to make it through. 

It has been about six months since my family doctor slapped me with the news that I have diabetes. Luckily she had the intelligence to correctly diagnose type-1 and not treat me for type-2 like most newly diagnosed adults. Others are not as intelligent and their "helpful" comments are more often hurtful than not. 

In future blogs, I will write about the stages of my journey, hoping that something I say will help you feel validated. For now I will just say that the life I have been living for 42 years is no more. I feel alone, lost, and disheartened. I hate my irritability. I loathe the perpetual headaches. I miss enjoying activities with my family - nothing is the same.